Sometimes I think to myself, “who am I to be the one leading this group?” I wonder if I am the right guy for the job or if I belong in the position I am in. The more that gets put on my plate, the more I question, “Who am I?” With the current climate, these thoughts happen more often. The reality is I don’t have the answers. I don’t know that anyone does. I am just a guy attempting to meet the needs of those around me and often feel that I am ten steps behind.
I have been blessed to have been around great leaders in my life. My father who ran his own small business, industrial electrical construction, was probably the most influential leader in my life. I grew up watching him struggle through tough times and working like a dog to make payroll. When I began to work for him, at the age of twelve, I saw a bit more into the interworking of what his role was as a leader. I was there the day he had to lay-off his employees and thought the doors were closing. I saw him work longer and harder than anyone on the job site. The lessons I learned are many of the ones I follow to this day.
As a young educator, I thought I knew what leadership was and what the role of the principal is supposed to be. When I taught, I thought I had all the solutions to all the school's problems and the answers to questions that nobody asked me. I was cocky and eager to prove myself to anyone that would give me a chance. I just knew that given the opportunity, I would set the world on fire and be the best leader there had ever been, because it was me. I was the man in my mind.
I had spent years studying, reading, and writing about leadership. Oh the theories I have heard and discussed over the years. Several of my fellow students and I would sit back and discuss the problems in education. We would look at the root cause of an issue and discuss what “had” to be done to fix the problem. I would wax philosophic about the difference in leadership styles and the difference between Great man, servant, adaptive, and positional leadership. I would use the term implementation dip in regular conversation. I had the charts from Fullan’s book memorized, which may be how I landed my principals job. The reality I had learned to be a doctoral level bullshitter. I was a Rembrandt in the art of blowing smoke and misdirection.
Maybe leadership is a bit like magic. Stick with me for a moment. There are times when we persuade the “audience” into only seeing what we want them to see. All the while, we may be using sleight of hand to keep the organization going. Like the Great and Powerful Oz, we are in complete control as long as the curtain is never drawn away. Because when it is, the inner workings of the job may be exposed and the illusion is destroyed.
Let me clarify, there is no malice or ill intent in this process. Like a magician, the illusion is for the benefit of those in the audience. It is intended to bring joy. For me, leaders do this to protect their people and give a sense of normality within the school. They are the magician and the ringmaster, who knows the show must go on. If the person on stage is rattled the show will suffer. But again, who am I to say?
The danger of this mindset and method is eventually people will see through the smoke or smell the manure. Once the illusion is broken, the show is over. Once the curtain is pulled back, the world will see the frail carny that has been pulling the levers. There you stand with your greatest tool rendered useless and a school left to run. You are now left with the hard question I began with,” who am I?”
I feel that people ask themselves this all the time. They look in the mirror and question themselves. The funny thing is that while the answers they give themselves may vary from day to day, the image doesn’t change much. If you look in the mirror, you are seeing the most honest representation of yourself. It is pure and unfiltered. The commentary that comes after that initial glance is the baggage you carry. For some, they flex and pose. They may be confident with their lives and who they are. Others will nitpick every little detail and pine away each gray hair or stretch mark. These are the people that dread the mirror.
When looking at one’s reflection and questioning themselves, we must be willing to dig deeper than the initial glance. Who we are is not a question that can be summed up in a fleeting thought. We must look deep to see the scars we have and the wrinkles on our face. Each one tells a story or is a lesson learned. Think of the life experience that has led to this momentary self-assessment. You may only see the physical but you understand where you are at and have been emotionally. Consider the hard times you have endured and how it affected you.
So who am I to say? I am a person who has studied leadership at length and has had the opportunity to learn the “hard way” in my job. I have found myself knee deep in serious problems before I knew they existed and had to find a way out of them. As you know, I am an endurance sports enthusiast. Where I have learned that sheer will and determination can drive a person beyond their physical limits. I am a martial artist. I have learned discipline and the philosophies of how to “flow” in difficult situations. I’m a clown, understand the importance of joy and laughter. I am most comfortable in front of the crowd. I am a father and husband. This is the most important of all. I know how to love from the deepest part of my being. To love with my whole self.
I am not a perfect leader. There are days I may say I’m not a good leader. However, I understand where I have been and the things I have learned. When I look in that mirror, I can say I am better today than I was yesterday. While I may not be perfect, I lead with my students and staff in the front of my mind. For me, that is enough. I know from my experiences that small growth eventually turns big gains. It just takes time.
Till next time..
Stay Sharp
Dr. S